Sentimental prospectives
by Rosirinoa
Summary: The english vesion of my previously published "prospetivas sentimentales". A story about the first encounter of Female Hawke and Fenris after the night they shared together. Rated T for some bad words and suggestive themes.


_**Autor's note: This is my first published story, and the first one I write/translate in English. The original language was Spanish, and I got the idea from a song called "Que te queria" by La quinta estacion, still I don't think it was the same impact in English, but if you could hear it and get the meaning, it would be awesome.**_

_**I hope you like it!**_

__

The sun's heat was worst than any other day in Kikwall and Marian Hawke was about to go out from her State at Hightown. She was ready to get rid of some thugs at Wounded Coast, but before that she would go asking for some help from her friends. Fighting those thugs wasn't an easy thing after all.

It was the first day of real action after some weeks off duty and it just seemed that every time she looked in her desk, there was more work to do. It surprised her how things could change, not only with the years passing by, but with getting wealthier and rather famous between people in the city; it seemed like she had turned into some kind of vigilante for Kirkwall, and between tensions among mages, Templars and Qunaris, crime had multiplied more than ever.

Some days had passed too since her "romantic encounter" with Fenris, so her mood wasn't at her best. The truth is that she was counting on having some violence in her life so it would make her forget about everything, at least for a couple hours. Perhaps she could spend some time with Varric at the Hanged man after that, even get some drinks.

It wasn't unusual to find things or situations that constantly reminded her of Fenris, there were times when the simple act of taking a walk around Lowtown would bring up memories of past times, when nothing had happen between them and she could still feel the tension and attraction that each one felt for the other. There were also days when she thought the Maker had a big sense of humor, because even the lyrium potions reminded her of the elf's skin.

She was getting used to all that, beginning to ignore those signals that brought images of the past, but she knew it was useless to be clinging to what could have been and what "has" been. Especially when everything had finished the way it did. In the end, even if it was a conscious act, she could ignore all the things that reminded her of him.

When Hawke finally reached the Hanged man, she found Isabela and Varric in one of the tables, arguing about Maker knows what. It was no surprise they were there, and she thought about them for going after those thugs anyways. Still, she needed one more person to go to the Wounded Coast. Perhaps the best option was Anders, since bringing a mage that is able to heal is always a good, and cheaper, idea considering that the odds for this mission were more likely to end up in violence.

Slowly, she came closer to them, trying to hear some of their conversation.

-Definitely, you must omit some of those "not so glamorous details"- Isabela was trying very hard to convince Varric.

-I'm sorry Rivaini, despite the fact that I am very fond of you, I'm afraid that there are some aspects that would represent a big loss to my stories if I didn't tell them.

- Such as that one time when…if I recall your words correctly of course, you ended up dancing an "ancient dwarven folk dance" on the counter of the Hanged man.- Hawke said crossing her arms and lifting an eyebrow , trying not to laugh with the images of that memory.

- But of course! How could I forget about it! Varric was moving so gracefully. – Isabela's gaze turned to Hawke.

-Ladies please, stop it. If you insist, I shall consider leaving out certain things. Depending on the situation.

- That's good to hear!- Hawke sat next to Isabela – So, ready for some action?

-At last! I've been so bored the last couple weeks that I've been in the terrible need of entertaining myself with lots of drinks and a few lads around here. You know, just to have fun for a while- Isabela drank a sip from her glass.

- For some reason, I think that is something you do, either you are bored or not… anyhow, I propose that you come with me and eliminate some thugs at Wounded Coast. As far as I've been told, is a very organized group of smugglers and they may even be slavers. You know, the usual type around here.

-Bianca and me are anxious to start with the job.- Varric held his weapon and started to caress it with his hand, while Hawke stood up.

-Very well, then we'll just need to make a little stop at Ander's…

Her words were interrupted when she saw certain elf entering the pub. He was as always, wearing that serious and imposing demeanor, the same one that repelled people quite often, along with his grumpy aura. Arguably, he was broodier than usual and his expression changed as soon as he saw Hawke. Neither of them expected to find one another in there, although they knew they couldn't postpone their meeting for much longer. It was inescapable and the question was in the air: how does anyone behave in a situation like that?

Hawke was sure that there wasn't a single place where they teach you what kind of face you should put, much less how to react when you met again someone who shared a passionate night with you and then left, due to his emotional scars, but without giving an actual reason.

-Maybe we won't have to go to get Anders after all. We have the full party.

Isabela's comment interrupted the infinity of thoughts that crossed Hawke's head in those moments, not to mention the glance Fenris was giving her without saying a word.

- Are you coming with us to the Wounded Coast, broody? We will have lots of fun and maybe even get rid of some slavers, which is your favorite activity besides throwing wine bottled to the wall.

-I…Hawke…- Fenris greeted her as formal as possible- do you wish me to go with you?

That simple question seemed like an innocent one, just to know Hawke's opinion on the matter, but the truth was it meant a lot more than that. It meant something only the both of them understood, since no one else knew about what happened between them a couple weeks before. Somehow it was a question whose answer would tell Fenris if she was mad at him or if she would have, remotely forgiven him for his behavior that night; the best and worst of his entire life, for many reasons. Fenris thought that aspire to be forgiven was more than he would ever dare to desire, but even if Hawke never forgave him, he could not conceive not going with her to another mission. As a matter of fact, the reality stood very far from not loving her, he had just ran away from his own overwhelming feelings. When he used to be a slave, he never thought about what a feeling was, he wasn't even sure if he could feel something else besides anger of fear. The point was, whatever feeling he had, he couldn't deal with it and wasn't ready to accept its consequences. However, one thing was for sure: he didn't want to leave Kirkwall or leave his companions behind, especially Hawke.

An awkward silence started between the four of them and only the sound of the people in the tavern could be heard behind. It was evident that something had changed, but neither Isabela nor Varric could tell what was going on there. Surely that would be whisper topic later on, and maybe part of Varric's drinking stories. Marian Hawke watched Fenris for a little while and tried to read something in his expression, finding only traces of doubt in there.

-Well, it looks like we won't have the joy of visiting Darktown on this day. Everybody ready?

All of them agreed and started to walk to The Wounded Coast, passing through Lowtown on the way there and feeling the intense heat around them. The banter between them was, as always filled with Varric's question to get some information for his stories, Hawke's sarcastic comments and with a little bit of Isabela's touch. Fenris was very quiet and really focused on whatever he was thinking, he even turned his gaze to the floor from time to time, and no one dared to ask about it.

As soon as they reached The Wounded Coast, they were attacked by a group of Qunaris. Varric stood in a high point in order to have a better view and use Bianca; Isabela used her speed on her favor and the other two used melee attacks as always. The grey giants attacked with everything they've got, but eventually they were defeated without much problem. Despite the fact of their strength, Hawke's abilities were superior and for some reason, that day they were sharper.

-Wow, a great warm-up!- Hawke wiped her sweat from the forehead, while putting her sword on her back and started to walk. The rest of the party was a little surprised about that, usually she would take a couple minutes to recover her breath.

Before reaching the marked spot on the map, where the thugs and slavers were supposed to be, the Kirkwall party found two ambushes, both of them dealt with easily

The constant encounters with thugs, robbers and assassins turned out to be a good distractor for Hawke. It seemed like all the stagnant energy was being freed at last. She had trouble dealing with pain, and her shield was keeping herself busy with almost anything she could think of. Carver's death had been one of the most difficult things in her life, but taking her family away from Ferelden and getting them into Kirkwall took her mind away from the pain. After that, mercenary work was almost a blessing, for it consumed most of her time. Eventually she would deal with her feelings, and by the time that happens she will be totally exhausted and would only be able to cry silently, or so she thought.

All the way long to the mission she had regretted to take Fenris with her; it was impossible not to look at him when he fought. Besides, despite of her being the lead of the group and walking in the front of everyone, she could feel his deep and sharp gaze, along with his presence… all the time focusing on her.

Everything that she used to enjoy and found advantageous when she flirted with him was starting to become a burden on her back. They had not crossed a word in the whole way and Hawke was constantly resisting the urge of looking at him sideways, just like she used to when he was on her party…which was very often.

It was not surprise that the thugs didn't surrender when they arrived. Also, they noticed that there were, indeed, slavers. The fact is, they we looking forward to fight them from the beginning, especially after seeing a little elf boy and her mother being beaten just to get them inside a cage. That mere topic always put Fenris on the edge. The memories of the time when he was a slave were almost always there, and he hated the thought of seeing that happening to someone else. He was more than emphatic with that, not to mention his markings, glowing very bright every time something like that occurred. Also he became grumpier than usual.

The battle suddenly started when an archer threw an arrow to Hawke's arm, whom right away took out her sword and attacked the thugs and slavers. Slowly, the party was getting surrounded so they got separated to avoid disadvantages. They were too many, at least the whole crew of the ship that would take the slaves to Tevinter

While they fought and without being reckless, Marian watched Fenris from far away. He looked angrier than usual; it seemed that the one taking out the anger was him instead of her. Many thought crossed her mind, same thoughts that didn't match with her feelings. Contradictory was the right word for everything that her mind was at the moment. She found the elf very attractive and enjoyed his every move when he fought, his hair dancing with the wind and those green eyes were far more expressive for his own nature, and still, somehow everything was connected…within the same man. That night, when he abandoned her, most of the thing that were kept for himself, to be safe from the outside world, were there for her to see.

Perhaps it was a complete folly to get involved with a runaway slave, who in their right mind would even consider having a relationship with someone so emotionally fucked up? Honestly! The answer wasn't a big surprise for Hawke; she would gladly do it. She was a woman that enjoyed challenges and there was some excitement on conquering the elf. Nevertheless, it was that same reason that was making her hurting the most in that moment.

The thought of spending time with him and going together to do some missions couldn't get out of her mind. After all that happened between them, his sudden departure and everything they shared, the intimacy, the glances, all those words that were still unsaid but were understood perfectly during that night. She didn't think he'd only left the mansion; there was a big chance of Fenris leaving Kirkwall too. It was a frightening thought that couldn't let her sleep and felt like a burning flame inside her. She understood that what happened that night was a once in a lifetime thing and maybe it was wrong from the beginning, but she didn't regret it at all, she'd even do it again if she could. Still, it would be impossible for her not to see him again.

It might be masochistic to have him near after all that, knowing there won't be something more between them, like a starving man sitting next to a banquet and not being able to eat anything because there is a big glass in the middle. She believed that she could be to take it as much as humanly possible, but the truth was she had a taste of his love, especially on the carnal part…and the memory of that night still brought chills down her spine.

It was a big relief to see him at the Hanged man that day. She had barely gone outside her mansion in Hightown for a very long time, at least since that night and when she did, she avoided passing near where he lived. It was just that she didn't want to meet him only to say goodbye because he was about to leave Kirkwall, or so she thought. It was all because of the overwhelming feelings that were born since his departure.

She was still looking at him, while fighting against one of those thugs, burying her sword into the man's chest when she had a horrible thought that left her frozen: it didn't matter what she did or thought, or how much functional their "professional relationship" could be, Fenris was imprinted on her, like the lyrium on his skin, and it was because they stopped halfway of what was going on between them. It was unfinished and it appeared that the only one lost in the maze was Hawke. Fenris left her without a clear explanation. He only said he wanted to be happy, at least for a little while, so that meant he was happy at her side? Probably, but it was painful at the same time. Not only his marks were hurting under her touch, there was something inside him that woke up in that night, and it hurt him very much.

In the end she would not be able to do something about it, and the reproaches would eventually appear. She didn't like the feeling of being useless, but the only thing that she could offer to him was his friendship and patience, and doing it meant spending time with him. The feelings towards him wouldn't just disappear during the night, even less the still remaining sexual tension between them, so this could be one of the hardest things Hawke had to do in her entire life. She felt trapped in a vicious cycle without an ending.

Three years had passed since they first met, three long years where their relationship started to build up from zero, where they took care of each other and knew each other better, in the good times and bad times.

From the first moment Marian Hawke saw Fenris, she though he was very handsome and she didn't even bother in hiding it, the trick was when she found out that getting close to him wasn't easy, a spark turned on inside her heart and mind. Her feeling for him didn't change that much in those three years and probably they wouldn't change in a couple more. Maybe she was crazy because she was in love with him but there were no regrets. It was a burden that she would carry willingly.

All those thoughts rushed through Hawke's mind, leaving her paralyzed for a few seconds, enough to allow a slaver get her from behind and blowing a very hard hit straight to the head, making her almost instantly unconscious. She didn't see the slaver coming but knew something was wrong from the looks of horror in Fenris face.

Her eyesight became blurry and she quickly fell into the ground, totally unconscious. Luckily, the fight was almost over and they had won. There we just two more thugs fighting with Isabela and Varric, along with the one that hurt Hawke. Fenris hurried to kill him and stop him from hurting her more, but he wasn't able to get there fast enough to stop the first hit.

As soon as all enemies were defeated, Varric and Isabela went near Hawke, who was being held by Fenris in his arms.

-Is she ok?- Varric's voice was worried and his face showed it

- She's only unconscious, and there is a wound on her head. It doesn't look bad but it would be better to take her home.- Fenris started to walk, carrying her in arms.

- It might be a good idea to take her with Anders and…

-Isabela, what good could that mage do with…

-Hey broody…it might actually be good idea. He's a healer after all.

-Fine! ... I will take her to her mansion and you go get the mage…- Fenris didn't like the idea even a little, but calling Anders was the most reasonable thought.

-I'll go get Anders, and Varric, you go with him… I don't even want to think of her mom's face when she sees her like that, and you are an awesome storyteller.

Later that day everyone was holding their breath in Hawke's room. And it was fortunate that Leandra didn't make much of a scandal about Marian's condition.,

-I really don't think is absolutely necessary for all of you to be here. It would be better to give her some space. – Anders voice was serious

-A re you expecting us to buy that? There is enough space in here and I'm not leaving you alone with her, Maker knows what you would do. - evidently, Fenris was moodier than ever.

-I think is better that we wait downstairs and leave these two guys in their usual contest to win the lady's heart. Come on Varric. –

-Hehehe this is going straight to my story.

Anders grumbled something under his breath and started to heal Hawke's wound, softly passing his hands over the unconscious girl's head. He was very careful and tender, so Fenris got enraged all of a sudden, knowing he didn't have any right to object about it. He had had the opportunity of being with her and he wasted it, letting it go away and all because of his inner fears and doubts.

He looked at the red piece of cloth that was tied to his wrist, the same one he took from Hawke's bed sheet on that night, and felt nostalgic. At least he would be always there to take care of her. That was certain, and an unsaid promise from that moment. He would never leave her, even if that meant having a reminder of his mistakes all the time and feeling the guilt of losing her because of his bad choices.

A Little bit later she woke up. She was very confused and in pain.

-Take it easy Marian… hits in the head aren't that simple- Anders said, very sweetly while caressing her head.

- What happened?

-One of the slavers hit you in the head and you feel unconscious. The work was done, if that worries you… but you just had a little inconvenience, that's all. – Fenris was standingg next to the fireplace and went near the bed to see her.

- Damn! ...- Hawke tried to move.

-Don't push yourself. It's going to be ok, but I don't think you will be able to have more adventures, at least for a couple days. Fenris… I hope you can convince her of that.

- I hate to agree with you…

-For now I'll leave you to rest. And you should do the same Fenris, let's go. - Anders gave the elf a cold glance, while saying goodbye to Hawke and getting out of the room.

There was an awkward silence and then Fenris followed Anders with the eyes until he left the room.

-How are you feeling?

-Well, it feels like my head is about to explode, but I will survive… I've been through much worst Fenris. I am not that fragile. – That comment was double edged and he understood it, so his face showed a little pain right away.

-I know… just promise me you will be more careful, ok? I will try to be there as much as I can but, when I'm not there to take care of you the way you deserve it, please do your best not to get hurt… I wouldn't want you to…

-Don't worry. But is good to know that you will be there in the near future.- She turned down her gaze, not being able to look at him in the eye for a very long time, fearing that her eyes would betray her and show all her feelings. But when she saw his armor, she noticed her family crest badge on his belt. She remembered giving him the badge that night, before anything else happened, like a charm so his past wouldn't torment him and instead he had a warm feeling when he looked at it. When she noticed that, quickly turned to meet his gaze, but the elf wasn't looking at her face, he was looking at her silhouette under her sheets and his eyes looked rather nostalgic, lost on his own thoughts.

After a couple moments Fenris was about to get out of there. He walked slowly to the door and turned back to see her.

-Rest up Hawke, we will to another mission in a few days.

He slightly smiled, while looking at her with one if those glances that made her knees go weak, and then he waved. She was really surprised of seeing a red ribbon on his wrist. She was pretty sure that it was that part of her bed sheets, victim to the ravages of the night of passion that they shared.

She smiled at the elf right away. The headache was intense but her thoughts kept lingering there, nevertheless only one was stronger, and she would embrace it from now on: even if Fenris wasn't able to deal with his feelings, it didn't mean they were not there. And maybe they made him do many things, and one of those was that he would be next to her for a long time.


End file.
